You’re really terrible in bed. Honestly!

17 May

It’s an un-written rule that a sausage funga should not by any chance sleep over, request for a toothbrush, insist on using one of your towels, stay long enough to even open up the fridge and make you breakfast that was not asked for, ask for your number or take you out for lunch etc. This is just a NO-go zone. Many have written about this but you never thought it’d happen to you. If you’re feeling the dude and he is not a sausage funga but rather a potential or a friend with benefits, then that rule of sleep over do not apply to him. A sausage who has nowhere to go after clubbing and leaves miles away should get a hotel. Enough said!

Insisting on following you to your apartment ladies is not acceptable for a dude, if ya’ll are both willing to exchange bodily odour/fluid, then take him home and kick him out as soon as the deal is sealed. Hii story ya toothbrush and going through your closet for a towel is not acceptable. Thing is, chicks are not soo mean, so they’ll let the dude sleep over just coz they feel sorry for him, the dude on the other side probably expects a morning glory the morning after the night before. Men think that women are more fungable than they are but I can honestly say that a dude is more willing to be chipsed than a chick, sijui ni the fact that the chick is in control hence turning on the dude or what it is but it happens more often than dudes will want to accept. They make it seem that they are the kings of chipsing  but I think us girls rock the crown! We do this shit better that guys, the kicking him out but and throwing the clothes out is soo much fun and the fact that we rarely talk about it does not necessarily mean that we do not do it, it happens on a daily basis. You see, women do not like to boast. When a dude does this shit, he’s considered a hero, isn’t he? If a chick does the same and then goes talking about it…….. Malaya/Bitch/slapper etc becomes her second name. Don’t forget it’s not only women who sleep with the CEO to climb the corporate  ladder in the office, men do the same. I hate the way the world is men oriented, the way they are praised for such acts, to then,*Im a man, I’m allowed to do this kinda shit* is what is expected to come out of their rotten mouths.

I once told my mother that I would never get married, that marriages were overrated and I did not want it to lead in divorce after getting bored in the process of the *till death do us part* The evil eye she gave me I swear would have woken up Dedan Kimathi, I bet she called her pastor to pray for me. She would not understand why I’d have a partner yet not make it official, to her, that kinda life is not acceptable for women. Despite going to Beijing, women will never be equal to men, whatever we do is never good enough, never satisfactory and if we do it like a dude, we lack the respect. Society expects ladies to to cook like their mothers, even though we now drink like our fathers.

So what’s my take? Do me! If I feel like chipsing, then why not, this shit’s been happening for years, it’s not a new trend thats for sure, but it remains that a sausage funga should never shower at a chicks. The other thing is, If you call yourself a serial one nighter, atleast be good at it. There’s nothing as terrible and disappointing as a bad shug after all the hype, we all know all dudes boast that they are good in bed. I’m yet to meet one who says he is not, and if you’re not si you call this dude and he’ll train you……… 

A terrible shag from a sausage is just gross and I’ll say this again and again especially when its from a chips, a friends with benefits is allowed to be bad, just don’t go back there leave it at that and just be friends and never talk about it. On the other hand, a pathetic sausage in bed is an unforgivable act that even I cannot represent you in court. You’ll have to be also a pathetic lawyer to represent a pathetic in bed sausage funga, so much so if you’re one of those men who boast how good they are. To me, the women they’ve been with are either equally bad or are too kind to tell them or teach them. But really, is there anyone honest enough to tell their partner that they are terrible in bed? This is why it’s relevant to test a car before you buy it. Don’t go marrying a looser, lest the cheating starts even before the honeymoon starts.

I just wish i had the courage to to tell someone how terrible they are or how bad their breath is. Honesty is the best policy, but being mean and cruel is not ok at all. Me i’ll just never call you ever again.

ION, Who is going to Scotland for the Rugby? See you then

Bev 🙂


Posted by on May 17, 2011 in Random


9 responses to “You’re really terrible in bed. Honestly!

  1. Anonymous

    May 17, 2011 at 13:01

    tihihi but what does this have 2 do with the courts?SMH

    • Bev-leigh

      June 1, 2011 at 14:28

      hehehehe i thought of it after i had written it. What does it really have to do with courts really?

  2. mtoto myafrika

    June 1, 2011 at 22:21

    got this in an email a while back…

    The provisions of the CHIPS FUNGA (AMMENDED) ACT 2011 are as follows:

    1. Section 2(1) provides that a chips shall always appear in a club looking fresh. Any contravention to this stipulation shall be rendered an act of treason and ONLY exception applies to the rule of HIGH and its closer to daylight timings.

    2. A chips shall never ask for payment after a night of secluded fun in a secluded place. Chipsing is free. Asking for credit, fare back home shall be taken as a violation being charged with SOLICITATION and will result in disciplinary action of a fine or imprisonment.

    3. Chips should never come to the club with mummy, daddy or girlfriend issues. Clubs are happy places – shida zako wacha home.

    4. Chips should never leave stuff at a man’s place so as to get an excuse to come back later. Any stuff left shall be properly disposed by the man and he shall not be liable for any loss whatsoever. Any man found to harbor keep sakes shall be deemed to b violation of this Act.

    5. Chips should remember the way they use to the dude’s residence because on the day after, no chips should expect to be seen off the stage. In fact if possible, don’t wake the man up,……….just leave quietly.

    6. In relation to sub section 5, a chips should never ever steal or borrow anything from the man’s crib. This offence is tantamount to treason and is punishable to the full extent of applicable laws. It should further be noted that going with the man’s jacket or pullover just coz its cold shall be deemed as stealing.

    7. A chips shall practice full disclosure before she’s fungwad. Full disclosure includes disclosing whether her hair or teeth are fake, whether she has a medical condition, or whether the club’s neon lights makes her look hotter than she really is.

    8. Chips shall leave other pals after meeting with the dude. Bringing an extra mama will be taken to mean that the man is being propositioned for a 3-some which should be welcomed and conceptual participation IS EXPECTED.

    9. No chips shall disclose any secrets that the man might tell her when he’s tipsy. Neither shall she disclose to other people where the man lives. It is a serious offence for a chips to warn other chips that the man is a “serial chipser”. Disclosure of this information shall see the aforesaid Funga charged with Treason under the penalties prescribed by the Secrets and Ordinances FUNGA Act

    10. No chips shall come to the club at “that time of the month” and if she does she should disclose this in good time. Failure to disclose this before proceeding to the man’s residence, the said chips shall reimburse the man full costs e.g cab fare, cost of drinks, Opportunity cost (i.e the cost of incurred by foregoing/ missing out on the other available chips).

    11. We live in a dangerous world. Chips shall accept to be eaten with sauce. Not vinegar or mustard but sauce. Always remember, kuna chips imekarangwa na transformer oil.

    12. Chips shall accept the fact that they are CHIPS. Any insisting on otherwise is an offence. The only exception to this provision is when the man expressly, in writing or orally, tells the chips otherwise or a certain period has passes and the chips is still lamba’in the dude. However, this period shall be set by the senate in consultation with parliament. In that case, the chips will be required to make an offer for change in status quo and the man shall accept. Only then shall the chips become the legal wife of the man.

    13. In reference to subsection 12 above, in no explicit or implicit circumstances shall a Chips ever make reference to havin chips funga’d a dude. The correct term shall be KUKU KAUSHA. The term Kuku Kausha shall refer to any dude or male for that matter who has been scoped and found wanting for a one night liaison. In respect to the Kuku Kausha, the man who leaves with said woman shall expect to be reimbursed for all costs incurred including a percentage refund for the amount of drinks spent by the woman entertaining him, cab fare or cost of fuel should he use his personal or pals borrowed car. In addition, it is expected that the Kuku Kausha shall have a power breakie prior to his departure from the chics place and afterwards POSITIVELY COMPLIMENTED.

    • Bev-leigh

      June 2, 2011 at 10:30

      That Chips Funga ACT made me wet myself

  3. cheupe

    August 20, 2011 at 15:11

    Mthotho myafiriga, hiyo ni post yenyewe ama ni rebly?

  4. cheupe

    August 20, 2011 at 15:13

    A chick can just sausage funga a dude, and take him to her own house, bila kujua if he is (or not) taking his medications properly, ama if he has skipped his last two scheduled visits to his shrink? Hatari sana! Aich.

  5. Sergent

    June 28, 2012 at 06:26

    Honest is not the best policy, not in my books at least. Limited information on the other hand works out perfectly, need-to-know basis is my policy……..

  6. Love Dating

    June 28, 2014 at 08:56

    One thing am never doing is getting married. That’s off the list. I just wonna party till the world ends. I think your grandma is very old fashioned.


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