Monthly Archives: August 2011

When you least expect it!

Jesus, the dust here is unbelievable, honestly I’ve just done a general cleaning on the blog, air conditioner, bleaching nini nini. Sorry I’ve been away. Like Veronica Muchina said, “Blog yako ina cobwebs kama senye hijadoiwa in years” and it needs some TLC. Lets say after my brother passed on I lost all interest not only in blogging but shit all.

Well, last time we probably crossed paths I was single and to say the least, I’ve been kept busy of late by a certain person person hence leading to my disappearance. I am not in a relationship to prove a point, I just fell in love when I least expected it, I was not looking for someone in my life, my heart was in pieces literally and being in love/in a relationship was something I was not looking forward to, in fact my collection of toys had increased *Wink Wink* and I was learning to fall in love with myself first before I could jump into anything else.

When we last toasted a drink, I was planning on moving back to Kenya for good by September, I had even started to ship my stuff.(Who am I kidding) What stuff> All I have to my name are my Law, Political Science and Human rights books. And fuck knows…. these books are many. I just wonder how I managed to get anything into my brain with all the drinks and getting stoned, still I thank God I managed. So as I was saying, I was starting to ship my books, clothes, shoes, handbags, empty bottles of vodka and my University certificates ready to go start a new life in Kenya. (You see, I have stuff to) It was all planned, dad had applied my law school in Karen and by January, I’d be a student AGAIN! Then after alot of thinking I figured out that if it was meant to be, I’d make it anywhere in the world. After my brief time in Kenya working for a few reputable Law Firms in Nairobi, I saw the light so to speak. Being in a court was not my thing. I am a lawyer don’t get me wrong and I’ve managed 7 years of both Law school and Politics school (if that exists) but being a LAWYER per say as in going to court and defending someone is something that I lost interest in my 2nd year of law school. Human Rights on the other side is what my heart really wanted and so I decided not to move to Kenya. Atleast not yet. Don’t get me wrong, my hero is till Omtata. So when the opportunity came to further my studies. AGAIN, I jumped at it like a horny donkey. My dad is just my hero. And that is why I have decided not to answer those questions. Ati Bev unarudi lini etc.  Ya I will cease to go to school when I see that Stop sign, you know, that of “No further education Bev. That’s it. Give it a rest.” But until then, soma soma kijana masiku za zidi badilika.

Anyhow, lets give it a rest, the blog was mainly about this Dude from Northampton I really have grown to dislike. I rarely use the word Hate but I’m sure if he continues pissing me off I swear he’ll see my true colours, si I said I’m from Gachie? Maafucker thinks he’s all that and the fact that he cannot get pussy pisses him off. It soo shows on his face how sexually frustrated he is that he has decided all women, or should I say Bev should be the punch bag he will try drain his sorrows about women on. You see according to what I’ve had from an ex of his, a nail polish bottle is massive compared to his DingDong and due to this fact maybe, he just cannot get a girlfriend and since it is seeming impossible, he has insulted me once or twice if not thrice and me being the sweet lady, I put it behind my mind and move on. Firstly he is so rude to women generally and he expects women to be at home cooking and looking after his children. Women should only wear lesos and Plait matuta if not joints on their natural hair. Sometime back when he really really pissed me off was, after having a few drinks from the famous Serengeti, I was walking home a bit tipsy so to say and the son of a bitch sarcastically, not just sarcastically but with the utmost disgust in his voice said.. ” Yaani even you Bev of all people can walk home alone, mpaka the men at Serengeti cannot even offer you a lift? He mocked how I was single and being newly single then, how sorry he felt for me that I could not get a man. Have you ever breathed hot air out of your system?? Well what I breathed out was not close to hot,  it could  have made a proper English breakfast with mushrooms and the like. After calling him a  few names under the sun in the middle of the road and nearly punching him, his taxi came and he quickly jumped in. Talk about kuponyoka chupu chupu. I have never hit a soul in my life but I swear that night one of us would have slept in the Northampton Police Station cells.

Stupidly enough I forgot about it when he apologized weeks later. Only for him to start getting drunk again and claim that I would never get a husband with my kind of hairstyle, how he would not even date buy me a drink just because I have dreadlocks and the like. Now there are things you would say to me and I would just not react but for crying  out loud if you do not want my fist to go soo deep in your arsehole that all you’ll be wearing is diapers…. do not insult  my hair, wait not just my hair  but blame who I am for not getting a husband or shit like that. In the first place who the fuck does he think he is telling me such shit. I’m i looking for a husband? This Arsehole has the audacity to say such a thing? He didn’t stop there, apparently, ati if I keep going to school, it reduces the chances of me getting a husband. Ok dude you better stop or i’ll get your balls will be straight in that palce where the suns don’t shine . Luckily, just luckily my phone rang. I am not a violent person but such people ought to be given a few slaps and in the process pull their balls off if they’ve got any.  The fact that there were people in the bar and  I did not want to cause any drama was one of the reason I did not punch him I told myself that one day he’ll get what he deserved and he surely got it a few  weekends later.

There were loads of parties over that particular weekend and Serengeti was packed to the max. I was there to have a good time and celebrate one of my friend’s birthday and another’s graduation but this mother fucker had other plans. As I was smoking with my partner, I asked the arsehole to take a picture of us and his reply (“Do I look like a cunt?” ) found him on the floor having a nose bleed and wishing he’d never have talked shit to me ever. My question to him was, what kind of cunts have you been looking at? You’re lucky that your bloody  hand is not pregnant yet  due to your constant masturbation. After a few heads up to my partner about what he’d said to me in the past,  the maafucker yet again found himself gasping for breath. Alipigwa kama mtoto and I warned him to dare call the police, he’d find himself in jail instead of me. I’m a lawyer right??

I think if a man wants respect, he should earn it. It’s not about being negative all the time, ever found a dude who disrespects women so much that the only kind thing he’d say to a woman is “can I buy you a drink” just for him to get the pleasure of telling her back, “Haven’t got your own purse woman, after all we’re in the Queen’s country, you buy me a drink” I’m left to wonder why he even offered the drink in the 1st place. Some men and when I say some, I’m talking about Kenyan men, do not appreciate their women. On a ,previous post, I even forgot how to shirt link) I wrote how  Kenyan women are being taken by Naija  men and some dude’s thought I was kidding. Now check this out, a lady takes her time to get ready, she goes to the salon to get her Hair done and comes out looking smoking hot in a weave. Yes. I said a Weave just in case you did not get me right. The boyfriend rarely comments on how good she’s looking. You see, I love weaves, it’s only that I do not love them enough to change my hairstyle but if I could, I’d be on weaves all year round. I think ladies look very womanly so to speak when in weaves. I know some look really bad but only after a while of not maintaining but surely, not all look bad. My argument with a dude last week was, if he thought that women look terrible in weaves, then my suggestion was, pay for her hair up keep monthly then continue to say it looks terrible. You see, it is expensive to maintain our hair. We African women were not born with smooth silky easy-to-maintain kinda hairs but we try our best to look good for our boyfriends and ourselves to.We spend alot of money to look good then you dare come and say my weave looks terrible? Honestly? Have you seen how ugly your balls are? All wrinkled out and shit? A woman should wear whatever hairstyle she feels suits her best and this MAWE thing I’m hearing about should be taken to FIDA for all I care (Men Against Weaves) these are the same men whose mothers and girlfriends have weaves on yet go on criticizing. Does your mother know?

On a lighter note, (i) Just so you know, I do not wear weaves, never have but maybe in the future I might.  (ii) Not every woman looks good in make-up and if your girl pals are honest enough, then they should tell you how terrible you look. Please stick to Vaseline on your lips and face, if you are not the make-up type. I hear men prefer natural beauties (iii) Don’t you just hate those friends of yours who are smokers but never buy cigarettes. All they do is complain how costly tobacco has become and how they can no longer afford to buy this lifestyle yet when you remove a fag, they are the 1st ones to come asking for a tuzz. Like honestly, I have a few pals who even before they say hey to me, they always ask “uko na fegi si tutuziane.” Those 2 friends are brothers and sisters who always wet the bloody cigarette filter, I swear it’s like they are snogging your fag. It took me a while to learn why they did that. At first, I thought they were not aware of the filter  wetting activities until, after alot of deliberating, I came to the conclusion that they do that intentionally. The reason behind the wetting and biting of my cigarette is, I will end up not asking for my fag back, you see, they are clever, they will not buy their own yet they want yours and once they have it, they will spit on the filter/sneeze to make you feel disgusted  so as not to ask for a tuzz from them. 

In the long run, they end up smoking all your fag and you are forced to get another full one. So from today, I have decided that I will never tuzz. And if I do it, I shall insist on smoking the 1st ¾ of the cigarette then give out the remaining ¼. Or why not always say that I have no smokes and anytime I need a fag, hide in the toilet? I know it sounds mean but common!! We all know a ten pack costs £ 3.00 as in like more that 340/= Kenya shillings, of course I know they are costly but if you do not want to buy your own, then don’t borrow mine please. Just quit for all I care.

(iv) Don’t you just hate people who keep insisting that they will cut thir dreadlocks, my friend has been cutting hers off since 2006, she keeps saying her tired she is with them, how she needs a change of hairstyle, how boring she feels, yet 5 years down the line, she still has them and insists that she will cut them one day. So my weekend plan is to buy scissors of her as a birthday present or better still, as a present, offer to be her barber. Nimechoka!!! 

ION- I am now jobless and uni is starting in 2 weeks. I’m ready for a Players Haters Degree, are you?

Enjoy the rest of your week folks. Mad love 😉



Posted by on August 18, 2011 in Uncategorized