Casual sex to some people is of lower-quality, unsatisfying, and ultimately harmful to those who engage in it, especially if they are women. But in this social media era, where getting laid can be as easy as liking a picture on Instagram, wen have clearly forgotten about some good old emotional intimacy and romance. It seems that we have fallen to the category of believing that casual sex—friends-with-benefits relationships (FWB)—is as sexually satisfying as the more romantic types of relationship. But through experience, I’ll teach you a thing or two.
It’s a cozy Friday night in Nairobi’s central business district, and at a sports bar, everyone is Whatsapping and Instagraming instead of making casual conversations with with the party goers. The tables are filled with late twenties/early 30’s women who’ve been chasing money and deals all week, and now they’re out looking for hookups. Everyone is drinking, making small talks once in a while with their colleagues and most importantly, peering into their big phone screens and swiping on strangers social media accounts that they may have sex with later that evening. This is the new normal. Trying go get a quick fuck with as litle as “What you up to?”
Thing is, most of us have had more casual hookups than we’d like to admit. Women especially are not soo keen in admitting that they have had one too many one-night stands. They refuse to admit that they have called a FWB in the middle of the night just for sex.
I for one have had more casuals than I’ve had relationships. Why? Well, sex has become easy to find. And if you are open enough with your casual partner, then he knows oh so well that when he gets a call from you at a certain time of the night, then all she wants is a lay and you can later bog off and leave her in peace. Afterall, we all have needs don’t we? And at times, a BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend) does not do a good job all the time.
It’s awesome, right? Having to live a care free life, isn’t it? Without any commitment or attachment. Well, not all the time. What happens if you start getting emotionally attached to your casual partner? The rule has always been, have multiple partners. Do not be exclusive with just one because sooner or later, feelings will start erupting. And you’ll have no one but yourself to blame.
FWBs involve recurrent sexual activities (the “benefits”) between partners who also spend some nonsexual time together, but without the expectations of a romantic relationship. They sit halfway between completely casual sex (such as a one-night stand with someone you just met) and completely romantic sex (such as sex with a long-term spouse). On one hand, FWBs are somewhat casual because there is no commitment between the partners to build a romantic life together or, typically, to be sexually exclusive with each other. On the other hand, they still involve some (and sometimes substantial) levels of emotional connection, intimacy, passion, and shared history.
Falling in love with your friend with benefits (FWB) is like working full-time as an unpaid intern at a company you’re crazy about with no guarantee of a job at the end of it all. It sucks, especially when you’re the one who’s caught feelings and you refuse to admit to even yourself.
You might be lucky enough to have your feelings reciprocated, but you’re more likely going to get your feelings hurt. And that’s a fact.
So, how does it start? This FWBs ish?
You’re probably recently out of a relationship and emotionally unavailable, but you’re also sexually frustrated. And you are tired with your BOB because at times, you need a man on top of you.
You might consider a One-night stand as an option, but let’s face it: The morning after and the walks of shame back home aren’t as fun as when you’re doing it every single weekend. Though I’d rather it was your house(woman) and not his. Then he’ll have to do the walk.
Plus, you don’t want to catch any diseases from strangers. What’s the next best option? Doing it on a regular basis with someone you know and trust, without the label of “significant other.” This is how it starts:m You’re having drinks with your soon to be FWB and you live closer to the bar than he does. Since he is your pal, you offer your sofa but things gets steamy at night and he moves into your bed. The morning after, there’s no awkwardness. The next weekend, same thing, only that this time you make him breakfast.
The beginning of a FWBs relationship is so much fun. You get along with this person, for starters, he is your friend. You have drinks together, you have the same friends, you love the same things. You shop together, travel and the works. Just like friends. You’re (hopefully) having bomb-ass sex and there aren’t any strings attached. And this is a very important thing to note. The Sex should be out of this world.
Then the second stage arises: A more serious than you’d dare to admit.
The late night texts of “what you up to? Can you come over?” start to become 2 pm texts or “Good morning” texts and the two of you gradually settle into a pleasantly predictable routine. You start to see each other every weekend, you do drinks and possibly a meal, he starts picking you up from work, and some small things that only couples in love should be doing.
This stage of FWBs is fairly comforting, and there are still no relationship obligations you have to keep in mind.
You fit this person into your busy schedule and he fits perfectly between your “Let’s have a drink after work” on a Wednesday and meeting with friends kinda routine.
This is also a good stage because the two of you are still getting along and, want the same thing. But then again, none of you want to admit that you are “Catching” and furthermore, you’re not each-others type. So you keep lying to yourself.
For many fuck buddy relationships, this is the longest stage, it could even last to an year or two, and the rest of your FWB relationship will ideally play out in this manner until one of you gets bored or meets another person.
In some FWB relationships, however, this is the stage when you start to become a little too comfortable in your routine. It brings up feelings that are reminiscent of a relationship. You can even use the bathroom comfortably without any fear.
After all, you two are sharing a lot more than kisses, and at this point, you’re doing so on a regular basis. Depending on the type of person you are, this could lead to a lot of trouble.
The good thing about having such a casual relationship, is the fact that you never have to feel guilty when you’re flirting with other people. Since none of you are actually dating or caring to call each other “boyfriend or girlfriend” You do go on dates with other people but do not sleep with them because, you have that cut out for you.
This is the stage you’re having fun, at this point you are enjoying each others company and you promise yourself that you won’t, under any circumstances, become attached because “I’m not that kind of person”
The next stage is a dangerous one in this fuck buddy arrangement sort of thing: He is at your house more often and now, the two of you have extended activities from purely hooking up to actually talking and hanging out. You are enjoying spending time with him or her and you can’t wait to see him once he’s left.
This keeps happening until one day, you wake up beside this person, look over and start to freak out because you realize you genuinely like him or her. It’s a disaster.
You start to realise that you like the way this person makes you laugh as much as you like the way he make you cum. He actually makes you Cum really good.
You start to fantasize about this person outside of the bedroom: picking out vegetables at the market, picking out furniture at for your home, taking you to doctor’s appointments, doing other non-sexual relationship-type activities. I told you it’s a dangerous stage.
At this stage, you consider breaking it off for a number of reasons. He is not your type, he never calls me, I’m the only one who texts him first, He has never mentioned any future with me, I am actually wasting my time with him etc etc This stage is called becoming abit obnoxious and frankly, you’re going cuckoo.
You stop calling him, you openly go for drinks with other people and share that on Instagram for him tom see. Maybe your last relationship was a disaster and this arrangement was only supposed to be a short-term thing, but it’s becoming even longer than your previous real loving relationship.
The you start to recognize you’re actually falling for him, yet he is emotionally unavailable because you’re emotionally unavailable yourself.
Despite your normally logical thoughts as to why this can never work, you can’t deny your feelings for this person.
Now, every time you see this person, you experience a wave of nausea, or you start to take certain actions that used to mean nothing to you more seriously.
This person offered to pay your shopping bill, he actually starts cooking for you ,and paying for my shopping means caring and building a home blah blah blah…. you start to think in your small deluded head that maybe he or she also has feelings for you? At this point honey, you are going bananas!
Now this is the heart-breaking stage…… :
You admit to him that you are feeling some sort of way for him. I call this, the things fall apart Chinua Achebe stage.
Once you admit your feelings to your FWB, it could go one of two ways. Ideally, of course, your FWB returns your feelings, and both of you want to take the arrangement to the next level. Tell all your friends and happily ever after bullshit! (Very small percentage works out this way)
More often though, your FWB doesn’t return your feelings, and the one or two years you’ve both soo cautiously built together on sex falls apart.
After all, if your FWB were the type of person who wanted to be in a relationship with you, wouldn’t he be in a relationship already? You start to hate yourself, you regret every dropping your pants, you start to re-think of all the emotions you’ve wasted, all the money you’ve spent on this friend with benefits. You start to wonder why you wasted your Benefits, why that person didn’t’ tell you about his feelings first.
You two may still meet every once in a while in order to relieve some sexual frustration, but once you admit your feelings and get rejected, nothing is quite the same again. Advise is to basically pack and move coz you’re bound to see him in your local bar.
The fun you once had with each other is replaced by a general awkwardness created by the vacuum of his un-reciprocated feelings for you. You start getting bored alone, you were soo used to seeing him, now all you have is that awkward feeling whenever you meet.
If you both agree to keep sleeping together, every time you have sex, you get a little more attached and just a tiny bit more heartbroken. You do this until you realize you can’t handle it any longer. This is the stage you brace yourself and compllty stop having sex with him.
Your arrangement ends, either with an ultimatum or with both parties silently agreeing to never speak again. And you wish you broke it off months into it.
The final stage is the experience part:
Falling in love with someone who doesn’t return your feelings is a messy situation especially when sex was the main equation. You are in your late 20’s and everyone around you is getting married or engaged. Your once single friends are settled with babies and tagging you along into taking the dowry to their significant other. Your world has crashed and more so because no one can help you with your FWBs issues. Afterall, you refused to admit to your friends that you were actually even sleeping together.
How do you cope with the ending of a relationship that wasn’t even really a relationship? Well your friends may be able to relate and help you for a bit to move on or you can but Njoki Chege out of it even though this isn’t exactly the best protocol for situations like these.
Honestly, your only option is to pick yourself back up, brush yourself off and realize your FWB is just another person to add to your list of experiences. You know you’ll be okay in the end.
So how good is the sex among FWBs compared to other types of ongoing sexual relationships? Categorically, this should be your best sexual experience, afterall, why spend soo much time with this FWBs and the sex aint good in the first place?
Seriously,what’s the point of having sex more than once with the same person if the sex aint good, pleasant, worthy, valuable or satisfying?
Like I mentioned earlier, having sex has become soo damn easy.This hookup culture has removed the romance in everything and it’s sad that this actually is what we as a generation prefer.
The number of friends I have who cheat on their partners in worrying. This hit and quit thing is breaking families apart.
And we as women are aiding this. The thirst for quick money, the Instagram kinda life is breaking the societal values. Nowadays, sleeping with a married man is the way forward. A quick shag= a quick up market apartment. (Not mentioning Rwaka) The Ben10’s are the in thing. But hey, who I’m I to judge? After all, my slogan is #RespectMyHustle
Blog on this last paragraph coming soon.
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